Dreams

Day-dreams, night dreams, good dreams, bad dreams...we all have them. What are some of yours? Where do you dream of spending the next 10 years, or your golden years? Have you succeeded at attaining any of your life dreams? Do you ever dream of the past, and how things would be different in your present life, if you had just made one decision different? Would your life be better now?

I love my dreams. They are mine. My private thoughts that can take me anywhere I want to go. They don't mean that my life now isn't great, it is. It just means that there are many parts about my life that I'm curious about had things played out a little differently. So, I day dream about where I would be right now, if I had just stayed where I was (in the physical sense) at that point in time.

I not only have dreams for myself, my "bucket list" of things I want to accomplish, but I have dreams for my daughter. I want to see her reach for the stars, grab hold of one, and let it take her as far as she can go. Everything she wants for herself as she grows and matures, I want for her. I dream of her having a family of her own someday (I'm in no hurry for that one), a career that makes her happy, a husband that treats her like the royalty she is, and a faith that she isn't afraid to share.

So, what are some of your dreams? Is there anything, as your friend, that I can do to help you make your dreams come true?

Change

Yeah, I'm really slow when it comes to this blogging the alphabet thing...but, as I tell my family...deal with it! :) Hopefully it will be worth it.

I've been thinking about the letter C and all the words I could use to blog about. Confessions (my mom reads this, don't think I'll go there), Compassion, Common-Sense...there are so many. I'm choosing Change, because it's something that in some cases can be so small, but can make a HUGE impact. In other cases it can be something so big, yet make a small impact.

My life is undergoing lots of change lately. Not so much when it comes to my family directly, but mine on a personal level. From loosing over 35lbs since January, to learning to balance family time, and time for me. I've cleaned everyone from work, and the church I attend out of my Facebook, with the exception of 3 people. This was a gradual thing, but really needed to be done. It was time to separate work/personal life. If there is something I want co-workers/members to know, I want to be the one to tell them, not someone else that saw it online.

The weight loss, I would have to say, has been the biggest change. It's changed so much about me, and I'm noticing a ripple effect on those around me. I'm eating healthier, which in turn is causing my family to eat healthier. I'm a happier person, now that I'm working out (as best I can), and those endorphin's are movin. I have friends and family that are jumping on board this train with me, which is awesome!! It's difficult for one to have to much positive support when going through a journey such as weight loss. Besides my outer appearance changing, my inner self is changing as well. I'm more confident, becoming more outspoken in situations where I would usually have kept quiet. I walk a little taller now, and take a bit more pride in myself. I can't wait to see and feel what else happens as I continue to loose more, and reach my goal weight. That will definitely be a day I will celebrate with anyone and everyone that is in the mood to party. :)

All this talk about change, next on my plate will be finding something I can volunteer with. Outside of work. There are so many things I enjoy, so many places I want to help, but, there is only one of me. It has to be something that works for my family. Our schedules are so full, and slightly out of the ordinary, because of Rob working 3rd shift. I want to take what I have learned in my life, and use to to help change the world on a smaller platform, then maybe, just maybe, it will have a pay it forward kind of effect. I want so badly to join up with CASA, but my schedule won't allow it. This saddens me, deeply. Hopefully, one day, when J is older, and able to be home alone, I will be able to do it. It's not a dream I will quickly give up on.

I want to change. Myself, the world inside my little bubble of friends and family, and if at all possible, even though I may never see it, the world as a bigger picture. I can't do much, and I don't have much to give. I have my heart. Which I will pour out and wear on my sleeve if I have to. I will make time. Sometimes, that really is all it takes to make a lasting impression on someone, and change their world - causing that ripple effect. I have my past. Filled with everything from disappointment to a kind of personal resurrection. I have an open-mind. It doesn't matter who you are, where you come from, or your past...we all still bleed red.

My challenge to my friends/family that read this...find something that you can change that will in some way, shape or form cause a ripple effect. You don't have to see the results of what you do. Just know that one thing, one little thing, can really make a big difference. It only takes one spark to light the night. You have the power....what will you do with it?!

An Emotional Girl Part 2

With any luck, this one will be a bit shorter. For those that know me, this could prove to be a difficult task.

Someone very special to me left the States for a year yesterday (Monday). We were able to have a drink together on Friday night, which was great! I had a great time with this person, and hope they know it. I haven't known this person long, but in this short time, they have become like a sibling to me. I care about this person as I do my big brothers, and big sister. I know that I can tell this person ANYTHING and there is no judgement, only acceptance. Many nights, when I couldn't sleep, be it a nightmare or back pain, this person was there...just a txt away. If I was having a bad day, a good day, whatever...just a txt away. Very few days went by that we didn't at least say hi. This person ROCKS, as a parent, military professional, and friend.

I'm missing this extremely courageous and remarkable person greatly. Missing those daily txt's. Yeah, there is still Facebook, email, Google+, and even snail mail. But, none of those things are the same. Not to mention, the time difference. The forms of communication we do have aren't as instant as a txt is.

It is what it is, and it's an adventure for this person. I'm very happy they have this opportunity, and look forward to hearing all about the adventures they have...so far away from home and family.


So, there ya have it. My emotional week filled with "good-byes," and "I'll see you later." It's definitely not a week I want to repeat any time soon, because it SUCKS...REALLY SUCKS!!! I hate using that word, but there really is no other word for it.

For my friend...if you are reading this (and you better be at some point when settled, lol), I'm thinking of you everyday. Be safe, and I'll see you again soon!!

An Emotional Girl Part 1

The last week or so...yeah, I've been an emotional basket case to say the least. I'm not sure how to make this long story short, but I will do my best, and if you can't handle a long story, well, stop reading.

It all started a week ago when my kitty, Ellsworth (Zellzy) started crying a very hollow, painful cry. He wasn't eating, purring, or doing any of his normal things. Usually a very loving, friendly and all out awesome cat had become very withdrawn, whiny thing. We decided to let him go, and hope maybe whatever was wrong would work itself out. By Thursday morning, I had to go looking for him, as he wasn't there to wake me up in the morning. After I got ready for work, I found him hiding under Jordyn's bed. Knowing cats find a place to hide when they are about to die, I knew this wasn't good. Asked Rob to take him to the vets while I was at work. He did, thankfully. Not sure I could have handled his sad, pathetic crying anymore. The vet figured he probably had some crystals in his bladder, not an uncommon thing for cats. Wanted to keep him through the weekend and treat him. Not a problem. We still figured he was going to be ok. Vet said he would probably need a special diet, possibly the rest of his life. OK, we can try and make that happen. Do what needs to be done for our 4-legged family member. Jordyn missed Zellzy, so we called and asked if we could go visit him, they said not a problem. So, we went yesterday. He was happy to see us, back to purring up a storm. That warmed my heart. I started asking the tech questions, and found out there was no guarantee that the food would prevent this from happening again. UGH... So, we talked as a family, and decided the best thing to do was let him go. He was in so much pain, and bleeding so bad on the inside from the crystals. I couldn't see putting him through all that again. We called the vet and told them not to do anything more for him, that we were going to say good-bye. Today, we got there early so we could spend some time with him, petting, loving, saying good-bye. He had lost all the pink in his ears, had no bladder control, and was still in rough shape. This made the decision a bit easier, but not much. He was, after all, a much loved family member. at approx. 11:00 am, with my head buried in his neck, he fell asleep. He is wrapped in a blanket that belonged to Meesha (our dog), at Jordyns choosing. Given the love-hate relationship between the dog and cat, I thought it was a great idea. Tomorrow he will be laid to rest on my parent's property, and Jordyn and I will create a stepping stone to place on his final resting place. Zellzy will be greatly missed by his family, his big brother Mo-mo, Meesha, and everyone else that loved him almost as much as we did.

All of that being said, I'm struggling. Did I make the right decision? Why didn't I choose to at least try the food? What if it had worked? What gives me the right to take time away from Jordyn that she could have had with a very special pet to her? Now, I know logically he is in a better place. The vet even told me today that given his age, he would have gotten sick again. They could have fixed him up good as new, but after 2-3 times, "fixing" him would have gotten more and more complicated. That helps with the logic side of things, but my heart is so completely torn. I stood there, and watched as the vet put one of my babies to sleep. I wrapped him in a blanket, carried him to the car and placed his lifeless body in a box to bring him home and bury. I know time will heal this, but, right now, it hurts. And, it hurts like hell!! I have a dog that is looking for his bedtime friend (they always played through the gate at night before it was snack and bed time), and his big brother that has been walking around crying for his little brother, and sitting by the box crying. I did that to them...this is my fault. Logically, it did come down to a family decision, but, in the now, and being the one in the room when it happened...I did it!

Opening My Heart

First off, I'm still staying away from FB, but I posted this so those that cared enough to read would know what was going on.

I should probably start with a bit of history for those that don't know. About 8 years ago now, I fell and landed on the right side of my back. It took about 6 years as well as numerous visits to the ER and my personal doc covering the pain with Vicodin (rarely taken so I could still function) and 800mg motrin 3 times a day (which didn't help at all) to get me into an Orthopedic doctor. He was the first one that really listened to me, and ordered the MRI that found a herniated disk in my thoracic spine. For those that don't know where that is located, it's your middle spine, between shoulder blades. My left side is fine, which I am thankful for, but about a 5-6 inch section on my right side is greatly affected. My daily, constant pain level (on the 1-10 scale) is at a 6-7, at times in the middle of the night, it's off the chart (which caused the ER visits in the past). Fast forward a bit, now I have an amazing doctor that has been very straight forward with me. Most people that have herniated disks in their lower or upper back can have a fusion surgery to fix it. As of right now, this is not an option for me because there are to many vital organs in the way. There is not a doctor in GR that will perform the surgery. The way my doctor explained it, the do the surgery from the front. My ribs, chest bone and lungs are in the way. :( So, for now, we are looking for the best way to control the pain. This includes an injection into the spine once a month (so far these haven't worked in the long term), Neurontin 3 times a day, a Lidocane patch on the sight of the pain, and Vicodin up to twice a day if the pain is severe. Thankfully it's not usually severe during the day.

Anyway...with all of this, and the years that I have suffered with it, I'm starting to wear out. I can't do the things that I love to do anymore. Cross stitching means pinching a needle which tenses those right side muscles, same with playing the piano. I can't hold up my flute for much longer than the time it takes to play one song, so that's out. Writing hurts for the same reasons that cross stitching does. I know I could "write" on the computer by typing, but it's just not the same. So, all of my out lets are unavailable to me. Everything that I would do to let out anger, disappointment, frustration, discouragement, and various other feelings, I can't do. This adds to the original feelings, and causes depression.

I want to quit fighting, and just resign myself to the fact this won't be fixed, and I will be on meds for the rest of my life. But, I can't do that either. I can't give up, then turn around and tell Jordyn that she needs to keep trying when things get hard. I can't give up on a doctor that isn't giving up on me. He is trying everything he can think of to help me, and it wouldn't be fair.

I'm trying to keep positive, but right now it's very difficult. I want to curl up under my blankets and cry, and just be held. But, I don't have that luxury. So, for now, I smile through the constant pain, and hide it. I hate being a burden on anyone, and that is NOT the reason I'm writing this. I'm NOT looking for pity, and this is not a "woe is me" kind of thing. I wanted people to know what I'm going through, and why I need to step back for a bit. I need to figure out how to deal with all of this. I don't want to be a downer anymore. I will continue to blog when I can, but FB is out for now.

For those that have my phone number, feel free to txt anytime. If you don't have my number, and want it, shoot me an email and I'll give it to you. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Hopefully, I'll be back to my old perky self soon.

Beauty

I would have to agree that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder." I see it everywhere. From a newborns first breath of life filling their little bodies, to the dust bunnies gathering under my bed for a meeting on how to overtake the house. Sometimes it's hard to see the little beauties, the "dust bunnies" in life. We all get so busy that we forget to stop and notice the many good and beautiful things going on around us.

Today I was out with Meesha, and stopped for a moment so she could smell who knows what, when I looked down, I noticed the lilac bush I had transplanted a couple years ago is budding. I doubt it will have blossoms this year, and I'm good with that, but knowing where it came from, and the story behind it, makes it a very beautiful thing even without flowers. When I picked up Jordyn from school, she was smiling...what could be more beautiful than the smile on a child's face? My husband going out of his way this morning to get me one of my favorite coffees...beautiful!

I know most people don't think I'm beautiful on the outside, and quite frankly I don't give a damn, anymore. There was a time that I worried about that. I had to fit in, and be with a certain crowd. Well, that crowd didn't want me, because I wasn't like them. I didn't worry about make up and all that other stuff. I still don't. I don't wear it on a daily basis, I'm beautiful without it. I think that anyone, male or female, that has self confidence, independence, integrity, honesty, and a slew of other positive attributes are beautiful beings.

It is my hope that the people I care so much about that sometimes it hurts will find something everyday that is beautiful. Take that quick moment to feel the beautiful warmth of the sun on your face, the rain drops that are natures beautiful way of cleaning and watering our beautiful planet. Think about something that is beautiful about you. I know for some that may be difficult, but, there is something extremely beautiful about each and every one of us. If you have trouble thinking of something beautiful about yourself, let me know. I'm more than happy to remind you. :)

We are all beautiful works of art, even with the "dust bunnies."

Alzheimers Disease

Ok, I'm a little behind already, but I saw this on my cousins blogs, so thought I would at least try. A-Z blog for the month of April. Blog everyday, except for Sunday. I'm already a few days behind, so, until I get caught up, I'll blog twice a day. Today will be A and B. :)

A = Alzheimers Disease

This is something I take very much to heart, and it breaks my heart when I hear of someone I care anything about seeing a loved one go through this. Horrible is an understatement for what this disease is. There is no word bad enough or negative enough to express what this disease does. It robs the person that has it of their recent memories. Bringing them back further and further in their lives, until in some cases, they are basically in a toddler state.

This disease affected me on a VERY personal level. It took my Gram's life, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Two things it NEVER took from her were her spirit, and her faith. Even during her last day, while I was with her, she couldn't talk, but I could see her spunky spirit in her eyes. Many of my visits with her were spent talking about her faith, and how it started at such a young age. Through everything that amazing woman went through, that never wavered.

Not only does this disease affect the person that has it, it also greatly affects their loved ones. I think the heart wrenching way it affected me personally, was that there was nothing I could do to help her. I wanted to take it away so she could remember my grandpa, and their marriage. Before she passed she went back to before she met him. She didn't know who I was, which was really hard at first, but you find ways to deal with it. She still always smiled when I called her "honey." Knowing that there was so much knowledge that she could have shared with the people that loved her so deeply, knowing that somewhere in that beautiful mind, was a women that had so much to offer was difficult to deal with. She was lost within herself.

There are people in my life that are at the beginning stages of this roller coaster ride that is Alzheimers. With all its hills, valleys and loops, my thoughts and prayers are with them. It's not easy, by any means, to sit back and watch this "thing" take over the person you love. Patience is something they will need a lot of, as well as understanding. It will take their loved ones mind, but it cannot take your memories.