Opening My Heart

First off, I'm still staying away from FB, but I posted this so those that cared enough to read would know what was going on.

I should probably start with a bit of history for those that don't know. About 8 years ago now, I fell and landed on the right side of my back. It took about 6 years as well as numerous visits to the ER and my personal doc covering the pain with Vicodin (rarely taken so I could still function) and 800mg motrin 3 times a day (which didn't help at all) to get me into an Orthopedic doctor. He was the first one that really listened to me, and ordered the MRI that found a herniated disk in my thoracic spine. For those that don't know where that is located, it's your middle spine, between shoulder blades. My left side is fine, which I am thankful for, but about a 5-6 inch section on my right side is greatly affected. My daily, constant pain level (on the 1-10 scale) is at a 6-7, at times in the middle of the night, it's off the chart (which caused the ER visits in the past). Fast forward a bit, now I have an amazing doctor that has been very straight forward with me. Most people that have herniated disks in their lower or upper back can have a fusion surgery to fix it. As of right now, this is not an option for me because there are to many vital organs in the way. There is not a doctor in GR that will perform the surgery. The way my doctor explained it, the do the surgery from the front. My ribs, chest bone and lungs are in the way. :( So, for now, we are looking for the best way to control the pain. This includes an injection into the spine once a month (so far these haven't worked in the long term), Neurontin 3 times a day, a Lidocane patch on the sight of the pain, and Vicodin up to twice a day if the pain is severe. Thankfully it's not usually severe during the day.

Anyway...with all of this, and the years that I have suffered with it, I'm starting to wear out. I can't do the things that I love to do anymore. Cross stitching means pinching a needle which tenses those right side muscles, same with playing the piano. I can't hold up my flute for much longer than the time it takes to play one song, so that's out. Writing hurts for the same reasons that cross stitching does. I know I could "write" on the computer by typing, but it's just not the same. So, all of my out lets are unavailable to me. Everything that I would do to let out anger, disappointment, frustration, discouragement, and various other feelings, I can't do. This adds to the original feelings, and causes depression.

I want to quit fighting, and just resign myself to the fact this won't be fixed, and I will be on meds for the rest of my life. But, I can't do that either. I can't give up, then turn around and tell Jordyn that she needs to keep trying when things get hard. I can't give up on a doctor that isn't giving up on me. He is trying everything he can think of to help me, and it wouldn't be fair.

I'm trying to keep positive, but right now it's very difficult. I want to curl up under my blankets and cry, and just be held. But, I don't have that luxury. So, for now, I smile through the constant pain, and hide it. I hate being a burden on anyone, and that is NOT the reason I'm writing this. I'm NOT looking for pity, and this is not a "woe is me" kind of thing. I wanted people to know what I'm going through, and why I need to step back for a bit. I need to figure out how to deal with all of this. I don't want to be a downer anymore. I will continue to blog when I can, but FB is out for now.

For those that have my phone number, feel free to txt anytime. If you don't have my number, and want it, shoot me an email and I'll give it to you. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Hopefully, I'll be back to my old perky self soon.

Beauty

I would have to agree that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder." I see it everywhere. From a newborns first breath of life filling their little bodies, to the dust bunnies gathering under my bed for a meeting on how to overtake the house. Sometimes it's hard to see the little beauties, the "dust bunnies" in life. We all get so busy that we forget to stop and notice the many good and beautiful things going on around us.

Today I was out with Meesha, and stopped for a moment so she could smell who knows what, when I looked down, I noticed the lilac bush I had transplanted a couple years ago is budding. I doubt it will have blossoms this year, and I'm good with that, but knowing where it came from, and the story behind it, makes it a very beautiful thing even without flowers. When I picked up Jordyn from school, she was smiling...what could be more beautiful than the smile on a child's face? My husband going out of his way this morning to get me one of my favorite coffees...beautiful!

I know most people don't think I'm beautiful on the outside, and quite frankly I don't give a damn, anymore. There was a time that I worried about that. I had to fit in, and be with a certain crowd. Well, that crowd didn't want me, because I wasn't like them. I didn't worry about make up and all that other stuff. I still don't. I don't wear it on a daily basis, I'm beautiful without it. I think that anyone, male or female, that has self confidence, independence, integrity, honesty, and a slew of other positive attributes are beautiful beings.

It is my hope that the people I care so much about that sometimes it hurts will find something everyday that is beautiful. Take that quick moment to feel the beautiful warmth of the sun on your face, the rain drops that are natures beautiful way of cleaning and watering our beautiful planet. Think about something that is beautiful about you. I know for some that may be difficult, but, there is something extremely beautiful about each and every one of us. If you have trouble thinking of something beautiful about yourself, let me know. I'm more than happy to remind you. :)

We are all beautiful works of art, even with the "dust bunnies."

Alzheimers Disease

Ok, I'm a little behind already, but I saw this on my cousins blogs, so thought I would at least try. A-Z blog for the month of April. Blog everyday, except for Sunday. I'm already a few days behind, so, until I get caught up, I'll blog twice a day. Today will be A and B. :)

A = Alzheimers Disease

This is something I take very much to heart, and it breaks my heart when I hear of someone I care anything about seeing a loved one go through this. Horrible is an understatement for what this disease is. There is no word bad enough or negative enough to express what this disease does. It robs the person that has it of their recent memories. Bringing them back further and further in their lives, until in some cases, they are basically in a toddler state.

This disease affected me on a VERY personal level. It took my Gram's life, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Two things it NEVER took from her were her spirit, and her faith. Even during her last day, while I was with her, she couldn't talk, but I could see her spunky spirit in her eyes. Many of my visits with her were spent talking about her faith, and how it started at such a young age. Through everything that amazing woman went through, that never wavered.

Not only does this disease affect the person that has it, it also greatly affects their loved ones. I think the heart wrenching way it affected me personally, was that there was nothing I could do to help her. I wanted to take it away so she could remember my grandpa, and their marriage. Before she passed she went back to before she met him. She didn't know who I was, which was really hard at first, but you find ways to deal with it. She still always smiled when I called her "honey." Knowing that there was so much knowledge that she could have shared with the people that loved her so deeply, knowing that somewhere in that beautiful mind, was a women that had so much to offer was difficult to deal with. She was lost within herself.

There are people in my life that are at the beginning stages of this roller coaster ride that is Alzheimers. With all its hills, valleys and loops, my thoughts and prayers are with them. It's not easy, by any means, to sit back and watch this "thing" take over the person you love. Patience is something they will need a lot of, as well as understanding. It will take their loved ones mind, but it cannot take your memories.

My Dearest Friends...

That would be all of you. Each and every one of you is very dear to me, and hold a very special place in my heart. From the one that stayed out until 3am with me in high school, only to get in huge trouble by our moms, to the one that took time out of her day (as well as her families) to help my family beautify our property and build a swing set for my daughter. From countless girls night out to taking me in as a member of your family, when I needed a break from my own. The ones I've known since Jr. High ("Hey, Hey we're the Monkeys...") to the ones I've never met )I do miss BBM...sometimes). You've stayed up late (sometimes all night) to help dry my tears, taken me to PP when I was terrified that I was pregnant, lent me money when I was broke and far from home. You welcomed me at a reunion for a school I didn't attend, and counted me as one of your own when I married Rob. You've prayed for me, cried with me, and held me even when I didn't know I needed it.

I love each and everyone of you. I care about you, your families and your friends. I worry about you with a whole heart. I want to share in your hopes, dreams, fears, passions and accomplishments.

Each and every one of you have touched me and my life in some way, shape or form. With an unconditional compassion and understanding for me, and where I am in my life. for that, I am forever grateful.

Thank you, with all sincerity, for choosing to allow me to be in your life. It's not something I take lightly. May each of you be as blessed as you have made me feel.