Change

Yeah, I'm really slow when it comes to this blogging the alphabet thing...but, as I tell my family...deal with it! :) Hopefully it will be worth it.

I've been thinking about the letter C and all the words I could use to blog about. Confessions (my mom reads this, don't think I'll go there), Compassion, Common-Sense...there are so many. I'm choosing Change, because it's something that in some cases can be so small, but can make a HUGE impact. In other cases it can be something so big, yet make a small impact.

My life is undergoing lots of change lately. Not so much when it comes to my family directly, but mine on a personal level. From loosing over 35lbs since January, to learning to balance family time, and time for me. I've cleaned everyone from work, and the church I attend out of my Facebook, with the exception of 3 people. This was a gradual thing, but really needed to be done. It was time to separate work/personal life. If there is something I want co-workers/members to know, I want to be the one to tell them, not someone else that saw it online.

The weight loss, I would have to say, has been the biggest change. It's changed so much about me, and I'm noticing a ripple effect on those around me. I'm eating healthier, which in turn is causing my family to eat healthier. I'm a happier person, now that I'm working out (as best I can), and those endorphin's are movin. I have friends and family that are jumping on board this train with me, which is awesome!! It's difficult for one to have to much positive support when going through a journey such as weight loss. Besides my outer appearance changing, my inner self is changing as well. I'm more confident, becoming more outspoken in situations where I would usually have kept quiet. I walk a little taller now, and take a bit more pride in myself. I can't wait to see and feel what else happens as I continue to loose more, and reach my goal weight. That will definitely be a day I will celebrate with anyone and everyone that is in the mood to party. :)

All this talk about change, next on my plate will be finding something I can volunteer with. Outside of work. There are so many things I enjoy, so many places I want to help, but, there is only one of me. It has to be something that works for my family. Our schedules are so full, and slightly out of the ordinary, because of Rob working 3rd shift. I want to take what I have learned in my life, and use to to help change the world on a smaller platform, then maybe, just maybe, it will have a pay it forward kind of effect. I want so badly to join up with CASA, but my schedule won't allow it. This saddens me, deeply. Hopefully, one day, when J is older, and able to be home alone, I will be able to do it. It's not a dream I will quickly give up on.

I want to change. Myself, the world inside my little bubble of friends and family, and if at all possible, even though I may never see it, the world as a bigger picture. I can't do much, and I don't have much to give. I have my heart. Which I will pour out and wear on my sleeve if I have to. I will make time. Sometimes, that really is all it takes to make a lasting impression on someone, and change their world - causing that ripple effect. I have my past. Filled with everything from disappointment to a kind of personal resurrection. I have an open-mind. It doesn't matter who you are, where you come from, or your past...we all still bleed red.

My challenge to my friends/family that read this...find something that you can change that will in some way, shape or form cause a ripple effect. You don't have to see the results of what you do. Just know that one thing, one little thing, can really make a big difference. It only takes one spark to light the night. You have the power....what will you do with it?!

An Emotional Girl Part 2

With any luck, this one will be a bit shorter. For those that know me, this could prove to be a difficult task.

Someone very special to me left the States for a year yesterday (Monday). We were able to have a drink together on Friday night, which was great! I had a great time with this person, and hope they know it. I haven't known this person long, but in this short time, they have become like a sibling to me. I care about this person as I do my big brothers, and big sister. I know that I can tell this person ANYTHING and there is no judgement, only acceptance. Many nights, when I couldn't sleep, be it a nightmare or back pain, this person was there...just a txt away. If I was having a bad day, a good day, whatever...just a txt away. Very few days went by that we didn't at least say hi. This person ROCKS, as a parent, military professional, and friend.

I'm missing this extremely courageous and remarkable person greatly. Missing those daily txt's. Yeah, there is still Facebook, email, Google+, and even snail mail. But, none of those things are the same. Not to mention, the time difference. The forms of communication we do have aren't as instant as a txt is.

It is what it is, and it's an adventure for this person. I'm very happy they have this opportunity, and look forward to hearing all about the adventures they have...so far away from home and family.


So, there ya have it. My emotional week filled with "good-byes," and "I'll see you later." It's definitely not a week I want to repeat any time soon, because it SUCKS...REALLY SUCKS!!! I hate using that word, but there really is no other word for it.

For my friend...if you are reading this (and you better be at some point when settled, lol), I'm thinking of you everyday. Be safe, and I'll see you again soon!!

An Emotional Girl Part 1

The last week or so...yeah, I've been an emotional basket case to say the least. I'm not sure how to make this long story short, but I will do my best, and if you can't handle a long story, well, stop reading.

It all started a week ago when my kitty, Ellsworth (Zellzy) started crying a very hollow, painful cry. He wasn't eating, purring, or doing any of his normal things. Usually a very loving, friendly and all out awesome cat had become very withdrawn, whiny thing. We decided to let him go, and hope maybe whatever was wrong would work itself out. By Thursday morning, I had to go looking for him, as he wasn't there to wake me up in the morning. After I got ready for work, I found him hiding under Jordyn's bed. Knowing cats find a place to hide when they are about to die, I knew this wasn't good. Asked Rob to take him to the vets while I was at work. He did, thankfully. Not sure I could have handled his sad, pathetic crying anymore. The vet figured he probably had some crystals in his bladder, not an uncommon thing for cats. Wanted to keep him through the weekend and treat him. Not a problem. We still figured he was going to be ok. Vet said he would probably need a special diet, possibly the rest of his life. OK, we can try and make that happen. Do what needs to be done for our 4-legged family member. Jordyn missed Zellzy, so we called and asked if we could go visit him, they said not a problem. So, we went yesterday. He was happy to see us, back to purring up a storm. That warmed my heart. I started asking the tech questions, and found out there was no guarantee that the food would prevent this from happening again. UGH... So, we talked as a family, and decided the best thing to do was let him go. He was in so much pain, and bleeding so bad on the inside from the crystals. I couldn't see putting him through all that again. We called the vet and told them not to do anything more for him, that we were going to say good-bye. Today, we got there early so we could spend some time with him, petting, loving, saying good-bye. He had lost all the pink in his ears, had no bladder control, and was still in rough shape. This made the decision a bit easier, but not much. He was, after all, a much loved family member. at approx. 11:00 am, with my head buried in his neck, he fell asleep. He is wrapped in a blanket that belonged to Meesha (our dog), at Jordyns choosing. Given the love-hate relationship between the dog and cat, I thought it was a great idea. Tomorrow he will be laid to rest on my parent's property, and Jordyn and I will create a stepping stone to place on his final resting place. Zellzy will be greatly missed by his family, his big brother Mo-mo, Meesha, and everyone else that loved him almost as much as we did.

All of that being said, I'm struggling. Did I make the right decision? Why didn't I choose to at least try the food? What if it had worked? What gives me the right to take time away from Jordyn that she could have had with a very special pet to her? Now, I know logically he is in a better place. The vet even told me today that given his age, he would have gotten sick again. They could have fixed him up good as new, but after 2-3 times, "fixing" him would have gotten more and more complicated. That helps with the logic side of things, but my heart is so completely torn. I stood there, and watched as the vet put one of my babies to sleep. I wrapped him in a blanket, carried him to the car and placed his lifeless body in a box to bring him home and bury. I know time will heal this, but, right now, it hurts. And, it hurts like hell!! I have a dog that is looking for his bedtime friend (they always played through the gate at night before it was snack and bed time), and his big brother that has been walking around crying for his little brother, and sitting by the box crying. I did that to them...this is my fault. Logically, it did come down to a family decision, but, in the now, and being the one in the room when it happened...I did it!