UGH, sorry I haven't been around. First sick, then a mommy get away weekend, then Rob was gone...just to busy!! So, tonight I'm making the time to write something. Not exactly sure yet, so just work with me.
I did realize something yesterday morning...and please, don't tell Rob that I'm saying this...I need him!! Who would have thunk that the "Miss Independent" I try so hard to be actually NEEDS someone? He and I have such a routine down in the mornings that him being gone really puts a crink in things. He may not do a lot without being asked, but the things that he does do, definitely don't go un-noticed.
I'm hoping now that I'm feeling worlds better, and Rob is home, that I will get back into my groove. I need to make more time for blogging. There are so many things that I want to say and share. Hopefully start a discussion or two. Be it here, or in your own homes.
I think that's enough for tonight...nothing to awful special. But, I haven't seen my hubby since Friday morning. I'm ready for some cuddles.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Haven't Forgotten
I'm still here...sick, but here. I just wanted to pop in and let everyone know that I'll be back when I'm feeling better. Hopefully my little weekend away will help refresh, renew, and make me a little healthier inside and out. I'll be back. Hugs to you all!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Suicide
Ok, so the title is a little depressing, and parts of this blog might be too. So read with caution.
At approx 4pm, two years ago today, I received a phone call that forever changed my life. My best friends wife was on the other end of the line, and I could tell she had been crying. She had not long before found her husband. He had committed suicide. I remember where and how I was sitting, the thinking this was some really mean prank. Every feeling, thought, emotion...it all comes back to me on this day every year.
Andy was my rock. He knew EVERYTHING there was to know about me, and loved me just the same. I knew all of his deepest, darkest secrets, and loved him just the same. Many, many times I would call him for the tiniest bit of advice, and he always gave it. Honestly. He was at times brutally honest with me. He was everything a friend should be, and more. He was there, as much as he could be from Indiana, for all of the important things in my life. Meeting Rob, getting engaged, getting married, having a baby...everything. Now, he watches me and my family from someplace else.
Suicide is such a selfish act. He wanted out of a situation he was in, and he wanted to take the easy way out. I understand not wanting to put his family and friends through what would have happened, but he never gave us the choice. He took it upon himself to make our decisions for us. To be completely honest, that pisses me off. I'm so very angry with him for this. What gave him the right to decide for me? For his wife, daughter and grandson? I'll never understand what made him do it. Well, I know why he did it, but I'll never know why. I know that doesn't make much sense to some people. But to those that have been through loosing someone this way, I'm sure it makes perfect sense.
I guess you never really know someone completely. If I knew him the way I thought I did, I should have known something was wrong. So, yeah, I'm a little angry with myself for not catching on. That last email from him he said things that he had never said to me before. I should have known that was his way of saying good bye. Making sure I knew exactly how he felt.
I will miss him everyday, and he took a piece of me with him on that spring day. Maybe one day the anger won't be so raw, and I will be able to forgive him. The ache that I feel will lessen, over time. But, the love that I have for him will never go away, and neither will the memories that I have.
At approx 4pm, two years ago today, I received a phone call that forever changed my life. My best friends wife was on the other end of the line, and I could tell she had been crying. She had not long before found her husband. He had committed suicide. I remember where and how I was sitting, the thinking this was some really mean prank. Every feeling, thought, emotion...it all comes back to me on this day every year.
Andy was my rock. He knew EVERYTHING there was to know about me, and loved me just the same. I knew all of his deepest, darkest secrets, and loved him just the same. Many, many times I would call him for the tiniest bit of advice, and he always gave it. Honestly. He was at times brutally honest with me. He was everything a friend should be, and more. He was there, as much as he could be from Indiana, for all of the important things in my life. Meeting Rob, getting engaged, getting married, having a baby...everything. Now, he watches me and my family from someplace else.
Suicide is such a selfish act. He wanted out of a situation he was in, and he wanted to take the easy way out. I understand not wanting to put his family and friends through what would have happened, but he never gave us the choice. He took it upon himself to make our decisions for us. To be completely honest, that pisses me off. I'm so very angry with him for this. What gave him the right to decide for me? For his wife, daughter and grandson? I'll never understand what made him do it. Well, I know why he did it, but I'll never know why. I know that doesn't make much sense to some people. But to those that have been through loosing someone this way, I'm sure it makes perfect sense.
I guess you never really know someone completely. If I knew him the way I thought I did, I should have known something was wrong. So, yeah, I'm a little angry with myself for not catching on. That last email from him he said things that he had never said to me before. I should have known that was his way of saying good bye. Making sure I knew exactly how he felt.
I will miss him everyday, and he took a piece of me with him on that spring day. Maybe one day the anger won't be so raw, and I will be able to forgive him. The ache that I feel will lessen, over time. But, the love that I have for him will never go away, and neither will the memories that I have.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Happiness
Where do you find yours? Do you find it in the simple things? Is your happiness dependent on someone or something else? These are just some of the questions that came to mind during a conversation with a friend of mine today. I've had all day to think about this, and really reflect on my own life. My own happiness, and where it comes from. Unfortunately, the answers I came up with were not what I had hoped for. But, the internal deep reflection has opened my eyes.
For so long, my happiness has been dependent on other people. In some cases it was my need to do things for others, which is a good thing for the most part. Unfortunately, I was so busy helping others, that I forgot to help myself. Yes, it makes me happy to help others, but there's that word...others. I need to find a way to help and take care of myself.
Is it truly possible for one to be completely happy within themselves? I think so. That's not to say that we don't need friendships and the such. But, I know for me personally, I have to learn not to rely on others for my own happiness. I will continue to help others, but for different reasons. Not because I feel like I have to, but just because I want to.
It's ok, in my opinion, to find happiness in other things and people...just don't let yourself become so dependent on it that you forget to take care of yourself. I'm trying to do more things for me, take some time for me. To be with myself, or to be with my friends. I'm still wearing the hats of a mom, a wife, and countless others. But, these hats do not define me. They are just a small part of my bigger picture.
Good Night!
For so long, my happiness has been dependent on other people. In some cases it was my need to do things for others, which is a good thing for the most part. Unfortunately, I was so busy helping others, that I forgot to help myself. Yes, it makes me happy to help others, but there's that word...others. I need to find a way to help and take care of myself.
Is it truly possible for one to be completely happy within themselves? I think so. That's not to say that we don't need friendships and the such. But, I know for me personally, I have to learn not to rely on others for my own happiness. I will continue to help others, but for different reasons. Not because I feel like I have to, but just because I want to.
It's ok, in my opinion, to find happiness in other things and people...just don't let yourself become so dependent on it that you forget to take care of yourself. I'm trying to do more things for me, take some time for me. To be with myself, or to be with my friends. I'm still wearing the hats of a mom, a wife, and countless others. But, these hats do not define me. They are just a small part of my bigger picture.
Good Night!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Friends
A friend of mine on Twitter made this comment, "...thinking how time flies and how some people are meant to pass through your life and not stay in it." This got me thinking about the friends I have had, as well as the ones I have now. It's amazing to me how each person is put in your life at the very time you need them the most. Sometimes that is for a very short time, sometimes it's for years. I can't say I have any of the friends I had as a child, and that is completely ok. I do often wonder how some of them are doing. Sharon, Danny, Jenny...they were all very special to me at one time. They were in my life at a time when I needed help with what would become a major transition in my life. They were a constant. Every other weekend, on visitation days with my sperm donor, they were there. I knew I could count on them to be there to "hang out" with when my sperm donor was the last person I wanted to be around. Now, the friends I have as an adult are just like Sharon, Danny and Jenny. They are a constant for me. The people I have chosen to surround myself with aren't going anywhere. Even if they do physically, the bonds that we have are stronger than any distance could be.
Recently I visited with a friend that I have had for about 8 years. She has watched my daughter grow from day 1. She was my last minute babysitter when I was about to pull my hair out, has been my shoulder on countless occasions, I stood up for her and sang in her wedding, we've shared numerous nights out at our favorite little hole in the wall (miss that place), she knows EVERYTHING there is to know about me, and loves me just the same. I'm truly blessed to have this remarkable woman in my life. I moved away almost 3 years ago, and for a while we didn't talk. Visiting with her was like no time had passed at all. I love her like my little sister, and would give her anything that she needed if I could.
I have seen many people walk out of my life. Thinking about some of them makes me a little sad...until I think of the things we did together, the memories that we made. I may never see these people again in person, but all I have to do is close my eyes and think back. It might only be back a few years, it may be what seems like a life time ago, but, when I close my eyes, there they are again. Thinking of them makes me happy, and hopeful for their lives.
Remembering the past isn't necessarily a bad thing. For without it, I don't think we would be who we are today. Everyone leaves a footprint on our lives. Sometimes that one print turns into many as the special people in our lives are there walking beside us. My hope for you is that you have the people in your life now that will help you get to where you are going, and remind you of where you came from.
Good Night.
Recently I visited with a friend that I have had for about 8 years. She has watched my daughter grow from day 1. She was my last minute babysitter when I was about to pull my hair out, has been my shoulder on countless occasions, I stood up for her and sang in her wedding, we've shared numerous nights out at our favorite little hole in the wall (miss that place), she knows EVERYTHING there is to know about me, and loves me just the same. I'm truly blessed to have this remarkable woman in my life. I moved away almost 3 years ago, and for a while we didn't talk. Visiting with her was like no time had passed at all. I love her like my little sister, and would give her anything that she needed if I could.
I have seen many people walk out of my life. Thinking about some of them makes me a little sad...until I think of the things we did together, the memories that we made. I may never see these people again in person, but all I have to do is close my eyes and think back. It might only be back a few years, it may be what seems like a life time ago, but, when I close my eyes, there they are again. Thinking of them makes me happy, and hopeful for their lives.
Remembering the past isn't necessarily a bad thing. For without it, I don't think we would be who we are today. Everyone leaves a footprint on our lives. Sometimes that one print turns into many as the special people in our lives are there walking beside us. My hope for you is that you have the people in your life now that will help you get to where you are going, and remind you of where you came from.
Good Night.
Getting Started
Hmm, not sure who is going to read this, but I needed a place to write and share. Someplace where discussions can be had with no judgments (the world is filled with enough of that). A place of pure honesty. So, sit back and simply read, and/or when you feel up to it, join in on a conversation. One never knows what could come if people would just sit and talk, with an open respect for each other. It is my hope that you will enjoy reading as much as I will enjoy writing. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)