Suicide

Ok, so the title is a little depressing, and parts of this blog might be too. So read with caution.

At approx 4pm, two years ago today, I received a phone call that forever changed my life. My best friends wife was on the other end of the line, and I could tell she had been crying. She had not long before found her husband. He had committed suicide. I remember where and how I was sitting, the thinking this was some really mean prank. Every feeling, thought, emotion...it all comes back to me on this day every year.

Andy was my rock. He knew EVERYTHING there was to know about me, and loved me just the same. I knew all of his deepest, darkest secrets, and loved him just the same. Many, many times I would call him for the tiniest bit of advice, and he always gave it. Honestly. He was at times brutally honest with me. He was everything a friend should be, and more. He was there, as much as he could be from Indiana, for all of the important things in my life. Meeting Rob, getting engaged, getting married, having a baby...everything. Now, he watches me and my family from someplace else.

Suicide is such a selfish act. He wanted out of a situation he was in, and he wanted to take the easy way out. I understand not wanting to put his family and friends through what would have happened, but he never gave us the choice. He took it upon himself to make our decisions for us. To be completely honest, that pisses me off. I'm so very angry with him for this. What gave him the right to decide for me? For his wife, daughter and grandson? I'll never understand what made him do it. Well, I know why he did it, but I'll never know why. I know that doesn't make much sense to some people. But to those that have been through loosing someone this way, I'm sure it makes perfect sense.

I guess you never really know someone completely. If I knew him the way I thought I did, I should have known something was wrong. So, yeah, I'm a little angry with myself for not catching on. That last email from him he said things that he had never said to me before. I should have known that was his way of saying good bye. Making sure I knew exactly how he felt.

I will miss him everyday, and he took a piece of me with him on that spring day. Maybe one day the anger won't be so raw, and I will be able to forgive him. The ache that I feel will lessen, over time. But, the love that I have for him will never go away, and neither will the memories that I have.