The last week or so...yeah, I've been an emotional basket case to say the least. I'm not sure how to make this long story short, but I will do my best, and if you can't handle a long story, well, stop reading.
It all started a week ago when my kitty, Ellsworth (Zellzy) started crying a very hollow, painful cry. He wasn't eating, purring, or doing any of his normal things. Usually a very loving, friendly and all out awesome cat had become very withdrawn, whiny thing. We decided to let him go, and hope maybe whatever was wrong would work itself out. By Thursday morning, I had to go looking for him, as he wasn't there to wake me up in the morning. After I got ready for work, I found him hiding under Jordyn's bed. Knowing cats find a place to hide when they are about to die, I knew this wasn't good. Asked Rob to take him to the vets while I was at work. He did, thankfully. Not sure I could have handled his sad, pathetic crying anymore. The vet figured he probably had some crystals in his bladder, not an uncommon thing for cats. Wanted to keep him through the weekend and treat him. Not a problem. We still figured he was going to be ok. Vet said he would probably need a special diet, possibly the rest of his life. OK, we can try and make that happen. Do what needs to be done for our 4-legged family member. Jordyn missed Zellzy, so we called and asked if we could go visit him, they said not a problem. So, we went yesterday. He was happy to see us, back to purring up a storm. That warmed my heart. I started asking the tech questions, and found out there was no guarantee that the food would prevent this from happening again. UGH... So, we talked as a family, and decided the best thing to do was let him go. He was in so much pain, and bleeding so bad on the inside from the crystals. I couldn't see putting him through all that again. We called the vet and told them not to do anything more for him, that we were going to say good-bye. Today, we got there early so we could spend some time with him, petting, loving, saying good-bye. He had lost all the pink in his ears, had no bladder control, and was still in rough shape. This made the decision a bit easier, but not much. He was, after all, a much loved family member. at approx. 11:00 am, with my head buried in his neck, he fell asleep. He is wrapped in a blanket that belonged to Meesha (our dog), at Jordyns choosing. Given the love-hate relationship between the dog and cat, I thought it was a great idea. Tomorrow he will be laid to rest on my parent's property, and Jordyn and I will create a stepping stone to place on his final resting place. Zellzy will be greatly missed by his family, his big brother Mo-mo, Meesha, and everyone else that loved him almost as much as we did.
All of that being said, I'm struggling. Did I make the right decision? Why didn't I choose to at least try the food? What if it had worked? What gives me the right to take time away from Jordyn that she could have had with a very special pet to her? Now, I know logically he is in a better place. The vet even told me today that given his age, he would have gotten sick again. They could have fixed him up good as new, but after 2-3 times, "fixing" him would have gotten more and more complicated. That helps with the logic side of things, but my heart is so completely torn. I stood there, and watched as the vet put one of my babies to sleep. I wrapped him in a blanket, carried him to the car and placed his lifeless body in a box to bring him home and bury. I know time will heal this, but, right now, it hurts. And, it hurts like hell!! I have a dog that is looking for his bedtime friend (they always played through the gate at night before it was snack and bed time), and his big brother that has been walking around crying for his little brother, and sitting by the box crying. I did that to them...this is my fault. Logically, it did come down to a family decision, but, in the now, and being the one in the room when it happened...I did it!
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