Opening My Heart

First off, I'm still staying away from FB, but I posted this so those that cared enough to read would know what was going on.

I should probably start with a bit of history for those that don't know. About 8 years ago now, I fell and landed on the right side of my back. It took about 6 years as well as numerous visits to the ER and my personal doc covering the pain with Vicodin (rarely taken so I could still function) and 800mg motrin 3 times a day (which didn't help at all) to get me into an Orthopedic doctor. He was the first one that really listened to me, and ordered the MRI that found a herniated disk in my thoracic spine. For those that don't know where that is located, it's your middle spine, between shoulder blades. My left side is fine, which I am thankful for, but about a 5-6 inch section on my right side is greatly affected. My daily, constant pain level (on the 1-10 scale) is at a 6-7, at times in the middle of the night, it's off the chart (which caused the ER visits in the past). Fast forward a bit, now I have an amazing doctor that has been very straight forward with me. Most people that have herniated disks in their lower or upper back can have a fusion surgery to fix it. As of right now, this is not an option for me because there are to many vital organs in the way. There is not a doctor in GR that will perform the surgery. The way my doctor explained it, the do the surgery from the front. My ribs, chest bone and lungs are in the way. :( So, for now, we are looking for the best way to control the pain. This includes an injection into the spine once a month (so far these haven't worked in the long term), Neurontin 3 times a day, a Lidocane patch on the sight of the pain, and Vicodin up to twice a day if the pain is severe. Thankfully it's not usually severe during the day.

Anyway...with all of this, and the years that I have suffered with it, I'm starting to wear out. I can't do the things that I love to do anymore. Cross stitching means pinching a needle which tenses those right side muscles, same with playing the piano. I can't hold up my flute for much longer than the time it takes to play one song, so that's out. Writing hurts for the same reasons that cross stitching does. I know I could "write" on the computer by typing, but it's just not the same. So, all of my out lets are unavailable to me. Everything that I would do to let out anger, disappointment, frustration, discouragement, and various other feelings, I can't do. This adds to the original feelings, and causes depression.

I want to quit fighting, and just resign myself to the fact this won't be fixed, and I will be on meds for the rest of my life. But, I can't do that either. I can't give up, then turn around and tell Jordyn that she needs to keep trying when things get hard. I can't give up on a doctor that isn't giving up on me. He is trying everything he can think of to help me, and it wouldn't be fair.

I'm trying to keep positive, but right now it's very difficult. I want to curl up under my blankets and cry, and just be held. But, I don't have that luxury. So, for now, I smile through the constant pain, and hide it. I hate being a burden on anyone, and that is NOT the reason I'm writing this. I'm NOT looking for pity, and this is not a "woe is me" kind of thing. I wanted people to know what I'm going through, and why I need to step back for a bit. I need to figure out how to deal with all of this. I don't want to be a downer anymore. I will continue to blog when I can, but FB is out for now.

For those that have my phone number, feel free to txt anytime. If you don't have my number, and want it, shoot me an email and I'll give it to you. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Hopefully, I'll be back to my old perky self soon.